Dear Michigan Ave. Shoppers,

Please keep in mind that none of the stores on Michigan Ave are flea markets, thrift stores, or swap meets. If a price seems too low, you probably need to take another look at the sign. If this is too much for you to handle, may I suggest shopping your local garage sale.

XOXO, Michelle

Dear Party Bus riders,

I think you need to take a lesson from Outkast and "Uh-huh hush that fuss, everybody move to the back of the bus!"

XOXO,
Michelle

Dear Lee DeWyze,

If Bono wasn't recovering from surgery he would totally punch you for covering "Beautiful Day." It was a bad Karaoke version, at best. You're not good enough for a dive bar. I think a trailer park suits you better.

XOXO,
Michelle

Dear Women of Chicago (and everywhere else too),

I know that anything goes when you're at the beach, but this rule does not apply when you're back on the concrete. Please do everyone a favor and find a beach cover-up that does just that: COVERS YOU UP! Wearing a bandeau bikini top and a tube top is not the best option if the girls are sagging. A sun dress or tank and shorts are better options.

XOXO, Michelle

P.S. Jersey maxi dresses should all be burned. They look bad on everyone.

Dear John Mayer,

OMG! I am soooo excited for your summer tour! Wow...you've outdone yourself this time. I am so stoked to see Train AND Owl City as opening acts. I wonder how you were able to snag them. I guess Nickelback and the Jonas Bros. were already booked. XOXO, Michelle

Dear Computer,

I don't think I've told you lately how much I hate you. You're slow, awkward to carry, and have a battery life of an hour. You think you're a laptop, but you're more like a portable desktop. The CD drive not opening is the last straw with you. It's ok, computer, I didn't really want to put new music on my iTunes anyway. Just so you know, the second I have enough money, I'm dumping you for a Mac. Your days are numbered, laptop.

XOXO, Michelle

Dear Women of Chicago,

Just a reminder that leggings are not a substitute for pants. I don't care how thin you are, but leggings accentuate all of your flaws and even add extra cellulite. Tunics are in this season, please pair them with leggings.

XOXO,

Michelle

To the Man on the Bus:

The other day while riding the bus to work, I was impressed with the European styling of your suit that was impeccably tailored and was worn with a very crisp, white button down and nice tie. It's not everyday that I see a twenty-something male with that nice of a suit. Then, I saw your shoes. What possessed you to wear brown square-toed Skechers loafer style shoes with your beautiful black pin-striped suit? Next time try a classic pair of black dress shoes, unless you want to look like the mail room intern for the rest of your business career.


XOXO,

Michelle

To the Bros Who Live Above Me:

Thank you for the nonstop testosterone fest. I really enjoy hearing a booming bass and hard rock music for hours on end. The screaming, banging things, jumping, and running across your apartment are nice touches, as well. Today I really enjoyed the addition of the sound of one of you dragging the Solo-Flex machine around the living room. I understand that you need to prove your masculinity to the rest of the building and each other. But, I am not fooled for a second. I know it's an act. You secretly love the Jonas Bros. and Justin Bieber.

XOXO,
Michelle

DSW

Dear DSW,

I only shop your store when I want to find last year's styles for this year's prices.

XOXO,
Michelle